The Onion: God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity
"Calling the Holy Trinity "overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group by slowly phasing out the Holy Ghost. "Given the poor economic climate and the unclear nature of the Holy Ghost's duties, I felt this was a sensible and necessary decision," God said."

Why nerds are unpopular (in high school)

I couldn't help but snortle a little at the mental image: "The Iraqi leader [Saddam] also challenged the US president to a live televised debate on the crisis."(BBC)

Age: A cookbook inspired by Christ's diet is spreading the word on healthy eating.

Drawing on the inspiration of loaves, fishes, water and wine, a Florida doctor has published a self-help manual, What Would Jesus Eat?, and a companion volume, the What Would Jesus Eat Cook Book.

...the inclusion of wine in menus that Jesus might have been familiar with has prompted a furious reaction from the Southern Baptist Convention, whose preachers denounce drinking alcohol as a sin.

"The drinking of alcohol is ungodly and leads to sinful behaviour and is not acceptable to our faith," a spokesman for the convention said.

I wish every politician was like this guy. Remember when left-wing politicians were actually left-wing, and not just left-of-right-wing?

So which fairy tale archetype are you? Hmm??
made by Michelle at EmptySpace.

I don't normally do these things, but I'm in the mood for a fairytale, what with the world about to go to war in three weeks and all.

Wired: Nigerian Slain Over E-Mail Scam

"Fifty-year-old Michael Lekara Wayid, Nigeria's consul in the Czech Republic, was shot dead by an unidentified 72-year-old Czech at the Nigerian Embassy in Prague on Wednesday."
...
"According to police reports, the suspect was a victim of the 419 scam, a thriving industry that employs thousands of people around the world."

Age: "A Washington court has ruled against Microsoft in a case that could result in its customers and partners who use its SQL Server database having to pay royalties to Timeline Inc which brought the case against the Redmond company."

Age: Pollies support 'wag against war' protest

"Three federal politicians have endorsed a "wag against war protest", encouraging Victorian high school, university and TAFE students to cut classes to attend an anti-war strike.

Democrat Senator Natasha Stott Despoja, Greens Senator Kerry Nettle and Dr Carmen Lawrence of the ALP are encouraging students to miss classes to be part of the action be held in Melbourne next month."

I had a great weekend - Playtime on Friday night, "Return to New York" on Saturday (saw Too Many DJs - Soul Wax, New Order vs Pet Shop Boys, Sean McLusky, Gonzales and Peaches among others), went for a long walk dodging tourists along the Thames with Guy on Sunday.

Three cds arrived from Australia - the Fauves, TISM, and Dan and Al. Fang, the Dan and Al cd, won't play in my computer, but I can't find a warning about it on the packaging. Bugger.

"As an American, I'm getting sick and tired of other countries."

I'm not sure what point they were trying to make, but 'Sara' sent (hate?) mail about Celine,
"Three Words For You:

Paint Shop Pro"

Actually, it's Photoshop.

There was another proper East End funeral outside the office on Tuesday.

Memo Osama bin Laden, from a fellow Muslim: go to hell

"Islam was sent as mercy to humanity and not as an ideology of terror or hatred. It advocates plurality and moral equality of all faiths (Quran 2:62, 5:69). To use Islam, as a justification to declare an Armageddon against all non-Muslims is inherently unIslamic – it is a despicable distortion of a faith of peace. One of Allah’s 99 names in the Quran is “Al Salam” which means Peace. Thus in a way Muslims are the only people who actually worship peace. Today this claim sounds so empty, thanks to people like you, Mr. Bin Laden. You and those like you are dedicated to killing and bringing misery to people wherever they are. God blessed you with the capacity to lead and also endowed you with enormous resources. You could have used your influence in Afghanistan to develop it, to bring it out of poverty and underdevelopment and show the world what Islam can do for those who believe in it. You chose to provoke and bring war to a people who had already been devastated by wars."

Look what John Howard's done now: Australia was now fourth on the world's terror attack hit list, with Qantas the most likely target, the country's leading terror expert said today.

On the good news side, The full bench of the Family Court of Australia today rejected a federal government bid to quash a transsexual marriage.

More from the Age, "Prime Minister John Howard has accused peace demonstrators of giving comfort to Saddam Hussein and harming the chance of a peaceful outcome to the Iraqi crisis." vs "Mr Howard had given comfort to Saddam Hussein by undermining the UN, [Opposition Leader] Mr Crean said."

"Australia has emerged as the strongest supporter of America in the international debate on Iraq, telling the United Nations Security Council that it rejects giving weapons inspectors more time to disarm Saddam Hussein.

Australia was the only nation that used yesterday's special Security Council meeting to declare Iraq in "material breach" of UN resolution 1441, which set up the inspection regime."
(Age)

BBC: "A schoolgirl has been praised after she used a simple trick to trap an internet hacker who stole her father's credit card details."

So much for our yobbo images, "Australians are among the lightest smokers and drinkers in the developed world." (Age)

"Comparing Australian data with figures from other OECD countries, the institute put Australians as the 15th biggest drinkers out of 28 countries."

BBC: Prawn fishing 'plundering seas'
"Trawling for prawns is hugely wasteful, conservationists say, and threatens other marine creatures with devastation.

They say prawn trawlers kill 150,000 marine turtles a year, and also large numbers of seahorses.

They want consumers not to buy prawns until supermarkets can prove they have been caught without harming the environment and local communities."
...
"The report's main findings include:

* trawlers catch up to 20 kilograms of other species for every one kg of prawns they take
* they are responsible for one-third of the world's discarded catch, although they produce less than 2% of global seafood
* local fish catches can decline sharply in areas where trawlers operate
* the trawls cause significant damage to seabed life."

You can sign a petition or write to supermarkets.

BBC News Online goes to 800 pixels.

You have to realise that yes, I am from Queensland: "One Nation founder Pauline Hanson today made a bad start to her campaign to win a seat in NSW parliament when she admitted she did not know who Police Commissioner Ken Moroney was."
(Thanks Cack!)


(Thanks Mez!)

And from the same Age gallery:

Randomly, a guide to Singlish (that's Singaporean English to you).

Beach Beasts: Theo Jansen "makes skeletons which are able to walk on the wind. Eventualy he wants to put these animals out in herds on the beaches, so they will live their own lives."

Soulwax, "Much Against Everyone's Advice" arrived today. Woo!

Guardian:
"Australia's opposition Labor leader has failed to capitalise on public opposition to the government's hawkish stance on Iraq, writes David Fickling
...
Simon Crean is Australia's answer to Iain Duncan Smith."

Surely that's a bit harsh!

I was in and out of town yesterday. Coming home last night, one of those Italian boys that hang around night bus stops was on the bus, desperately trying to chat up some girl. I never know what they're after - somewhere to stay the night? A foreign girlfriend? Cheap sex or a con? Anyway, he got his just desserts when he tried to chat up some other girls when the first one left - they tried to speak Spanish to him, then talked over him with stories about what their friends had gotten up to that night. I almost laughed aloud as his bored miserable face.

I was also on a bus as the anti-war marchers were coming home yesterday. Fucking middle-class marchers having fits because the bus conductor is full and Oscar and Charley have to catch another bus. Apparently concern for the down-trodden doesn't start with the working classes.

Sign of the times, courtesy of Mez. February 13, 2003.

Yay Melbourne! Anti-war rally and gallery.

The police say over 100,000 people, the organisers say over 200,000. I'd say the orgnisers were right.

From news.com.au: ""The Prime Minister can't ignore this," Senator Stott Despoja said.

"How dare he disregard the public will.

"We Australians are unequivocally opposed to war under any sanction, UN or not," she said.

One of the biggest cheers came for Senator Brown, who urged the crowd to fight what he called Mr Howard's "imposing holocaust".

"The Prime Minister has never been given a mandate by the people of Australia to go to war," Senator Brown said.

"This is President Bush's war, this is Prime Minister Blair's war, this is John Howard's war, but this is not Australia's war.""

Age: London, Washington brace for attacks

"Fear and confusion gripped Britain yesterday as the nation's biggest security operation entered its third day and a senior Government minister compared the threat to the September 11 terror attacks, only to later withdraw the comment."

But we should be grateful for small mercies: BBC says, "[Kelly] Osbourne drops UK visit over terror fears"

Responses to the "Rename 'The Two Towers' to Something Less Offensive Petition". I don't care if the petition or the responses were a troll, they're funny.

"yes i agree...being an Elvis fan i would be very hurt and dismayed if they were to make a film and call it Return of the King"

" yes...Two Towers is a bad name... i have twins and will not let them stand side by side out of respect"

" they should rename it...we had two tower blocks built near us, the whole neighbourhood was horrified... and we all signed a petition and the council had to demolish it out of respect"

" I totally agree...naming it Two Towers is totally lacking in respect...i think they should stop all twins going into Tower Record stores also.. i will sign your petition"

Whoever this Tolkein guy is, he's an insensitive ashole if he's making a movie with a title like that. I'll bet he's not even American!! What gives him the right!!!! --Sean Curtin

its called "tact" --Lynda Blair Vernalia

I heard about this petition from someone in my weekly prayer groups. I whole-heartedly support you in your worthy cause. --Stacy Badum

I can't believe the insensitivity of some people in this petition. The least New Line can do is postpone the movie for a while so that the country had time to grieve. Have they no shame!? --Amanda Swanson

I hope someone will punish Tolkien for this tasteless act. :-( --Thomas Veil

Tolkien should be exumed, and buried again --sympathetic uk

I will personally not see another New Line or Tolkien film if this tragedy is allowed to continue. --W. Desmith

Invisible suit? "It looks as if three men walking behind are seen through the body of student Kazutoshi Obana during a demonstration of optical camouflage technology at Tokyo University yesterday."

In other news, Australia wins the Friendly against England 3-1. Ha!

The revolution will be web-cam-ised. We're watching the parliamentary debate via webcam.

Age: "Federal Opposition Leader Simon Crean moved to censure Prime Minister John Howard and Acting Prime Minister John Anderson for breach of trust of the Australian people over the Iraq issue."
...
"Asked directly if he considered Australia part of the coalition of the willing Mr Bush said: "Yes I do""

Age: The Espy lives to fight another day

"Port Phillip Council yesterday rejected a controversial plan to redevelop St Kilda's Esplanade Hotel site, paving the way for a lengthy planning appeal."

Age: Financial woes threaten museum jobs

"Staff at the Museum of Victoria face possible job cuts as the financially embattled institution considers abolishing admittance fees to boost visitor numbers.

Victorian Premier Steve Bracks today indicated the Melbourne Museum would have to work through its financial difficulties with little or no assistance from the government."

Thanks Bracks, you're Jeffing the Jeffed. Don't punish Melbourne Museum for having been Jeff Kennett's grand vision. After dreaming of a Labour government in Victoria for so many years, it's sometimes hard to remember why we did.

Today's Odd Spot: "Noise control officers were called to a party at Government House in Auckland early on Sunday after the Governor-General's neighbours complained about the loud music. Among the 1000 or so guests was New Zealand Prime Minister, Helen Clark."

I'm off to Belfast tonight. I've just booked flights to Milan for Easter. A proper Italian Easter! How fabulous.

I'll leave you with this, from Umberto Eco in last Saturday's Guardian (1.2.2003):

"In the era of globalisation, global peace becomes impossible. So there remains just one possibility for peace: working for peace on a case-by-case basis, creating each time a possible peaceful solution on the context of wars that follow one after another. Peace on a local basic can be achieved if, when combatants are wearied, a negotiating agency puts itself forward as a mediator and produces a ceasefire. A continuous series of these "small peaces" can, in the long term, act as a sort of drain by washing away the tension produced by permanent war.

For example, a small peace today in Jerusalem would contribute to the lessening of tensions at the epicentre of the global war."

BBC: Australians given anti-terror packs

"The pack includes a 20-page booklet entitled "Let's look out for Australia", which gives first aid advice and tips for spotting potential terrorists."

I can hear the cheesy theme song already.

"The booklet calls on Australians to be vigilant for unusual behaviour, suspicious vehicles in public places and people taking pictures of public buildings."

Wouldn't want to be tourist taking photos of public buildings when this pack comes out!

Guardian on why (English) men are so obsessed with lesbians.

Age: Labor and US clash over Iraq

"As Mr Howard prepared to leave for talks with President George W Bush, the US warned that the personal nature of some anti-American Labor rhetoric on Iraq was not helping the US-Australia alliance. [Diddums!]

Opposition Leader Simon Crean replied that US Ambassador to Australia Tom Schieffer was naive if he thought the debate on Iraq would not become passionate.

Labor opposes war with Iraq which is not sanctioned by the United Nations, and some ALP members, notably frontbencher Mark Latham, attacked President Bush during this week's parliamentary debate. [You can always count on Latham to speak his mind.]

Mr Latham said he was flaky and the most incompetent and dangerous president in living memory."
...
"Mr Howard said that, far from simply doing what Washington wanted, he had real influence." [Is he fooling himself, or trying to fool us?]
...
"However, the US was a very powerful country and, in the end, would take its own counsel, Mr Howard said." [No shit, Sherlock.]

Age: "A bid by Kellogg's to control the recipe for chocolate crackles has raised the potential for the community cake stall to be found in breach of the law."

Age: New fears raised about GM plants

"Further questions have been raised about consequences of growing genetically modified plants after Australian scientists showed that a hoped-for method of preventing "superweeds" does not work.
[...]
This week's edition of the science journal Nature says University of Adelaide researchers have shown that even if foreign genes are injected elsewhere in a cell, the genes can "hop over" into the nucleus and end up in the pollen."

Dannii sings an ode to her vibrator

Apparently these are the lyrics:
""Instead of just lying there,

Why don't you show me that you're powerful,

Put in triple X batteries just so you give me something wonderful,

Change it up fast and slow.

Till I find the frequency I like.

Love it when you do my vibe on.

Good vibrations, that's what gets my ride on, gotta have vibrations,

Jump on to it, sit right on it, plug it in, give me my vibe on, gotta have vibrations.

I don't want to put you down, looks like I'm a vibraholic now."

Minogue then begins rapping, saying: "Be like giving me vibrations over my stimulation, straight out of the box uhh the hesitation, your love is like a pony that I love to ride, making me crazy."

This country! I tried to ring my bank and transfer some money to Australia, but apparently I can only do that between the hours of 8:45am and 1:30pm. What's the point of phone banking if I can't do it out of business hours?

While I'm whinging, I'm sick of call centres located somewhere so cheap everyone has an impenetrable regional accent.

I know it's awful, but I can't get the Soul Asylum song Runaway Train out of my head since I heard about the runaway train in Melbourne.

"A witness at Broadmeadows, Ben Bolton, told 3AW: "The driver came out of the room and asked `Where's the train?' and someone said `It's over there'.

"He was in shock and started running after it with his bag. He came back two minutes later pretty distraught.""

Heh, I just saw an ad for the "Greatest One Hit Wonders" that featured John Farnham's "You're the Voice".

Attempts made to sell shuttle debris on web: "Texas authorities were investigating reports yesterday that people were trying to sell debris from the Space Shuttle Columbia, which disintegrated over eastern Texas."

Apparently Tatu, paedo-lesbo pop stars for a day, despite admitting they enjoy their ambiguity, have said they have boyfriends, and intend to marry and have children. Which pisses me off, but will probably make their straight man target audience like them even more.

Even worse, according to the BBC, "The duo's creator, Ivan Shapovalov, has admitted that Tatu are what he called an "underage sex project" designed to appeal to men in search of "underage entertainment"."

Developer cops a blast over Esplanade proposal: "VicMusic, a non-profit, organisation representing Melbourne's contemporary original music scene, has hit out at the Becton Corporation over its proposed redevelopment of the 1878 Esplanade Hotel site in St Kilda."
...
"The new tower involves retaining the core of the Esplanade to build six townhouses, 44 apartments, a convenience store and restaurant. But the bottle shop and beer garden would be scrapped under the plan."

It's tragic, but one of the first things that struck me about the space shuttle blowing up was that the jokes would appear more quickly because they could be recycled from last time. Like, what does NASA stand for? Need another seven astronauts.

I'm tempted to paraphrase Oscar Wilde: to lose one space shuttle is unfortunate, to lose two is careless.

The Onion | U.N. Orders Wonka To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections

I'm at work on a Saturday so I can test a client install. I made a new blog so I can collect links for my trips this year.

Danniii Minogue is going to be in my street next Thursday, I'm really tempted to heckle her. "Your sister is prettier and more famous than you!"

I went out for drinks and dinner with Mads last night. The George and Dragon at the start of Hackney Road has been done up, it's not bad inside and it's well close enough for a local when the wankers have been and gone. Big retro hair is apparently still in for girls. I never trust a skinny barmaid, I figure they should at least look like they drink the things they're serving you.

Dream Bags and Jaguar Shoes is already over. Sure, the people were still beautiful but some of them looked 16, and everyone's beautiful when they're 16. Cute barmaid though.

Danniii Minogue is going to be in my street next Thursday, I'm really tempted to heckle her. "You'll never be as good as Kylie!"